The Saddest Friendship I Ever Had....

  What I am going to tell you about is something that really was very difficult for me....It was over four years ago and it still makes me sad.

 Well, at i.v. when I was just starting to go there I did not really talk that much to anyone, I guess I felt shy .  There was a man that would smile at me and I would smile back but we did not speak for probably a month.

 Then one day we talked and we became friends ...I asked him if he had any kids and a single tear rolled out of his eye and he said he didn't but he sure wished he had a daughter.

I knew something about this man before I asked him that and ....Maybe it wasn't an appropriate question? I don't know.

Anyway I had gotten this man in trouble at one time...he and someone he was with were discussing in great detail something I did not know much about, sodomite things. (most people would say gay stuff I guess)  Anyway I was sitting there getting my i.v. with my eyes bugging out of my head because I was shocked and the nurses saw that and he was told if he would not stop talking about that stuff they would have to ask him to leave.
He apologized ....lots and of course I forgave him.

Anyway , after the question that made him cry we talked about other things and religion came up..I said something about God and he said something like "well good for you , but I don't believe in God".
 I left it at that and we talked about other things.

Well, his i.v. was finished and he was going to go...he asked when my next appointment was so he could make his with mine and we hugged. He said he would see me next week and I got the most horrible feeling that I would never see him again .
I didn't, he died the next day of a heart attack.

I found out the next week that he had died and ....I had to go hide in the bathroom and cry.
He didn't believe in God.
I was so upset in fact I almost threw up.
Then a thought came to me.....God surely must of loved this man as much as I did.
With Jesus in my heart could I love someone who God hated?

Maybe when this man went home he prayed.....maybe he didn't .

I am so sad about this...still.

I am not skilled to understand what God has willed or what he has planned.

I Don't Want It....

I have been thinking too much lately....

About things I don't want that I have, and things that I cannot do and want to do.

As you probably guessed if you are a human....those thoughts have left me rather unhappy.

Mostly I have been not wanting my extra DNA.  Why??? Because I was told it was abnormal...that they didn't know what it would do or what effect it has.

Some people told me that it is silly to be upset about something like that because it probably does nothing.

Well why the heck would God make such a thing if it did NOTHING??

Some person said it made me their hero, they thought I was really cool like I came from X-men or something.

Now I think that is silly.( but I have to say the thought did make me smile)

Other people said that I should not wish the DNA gone because maybe it is what makes me so creative.

I don't know.

I do know though that God does not make mistakes...He does allow things to happen though.

I know I am going to be miserable if I don't put my trust in Him.

I know I am very bad for hating my body.

I really need to cut it out and trust God.

He made me how I am, He gave me this body.....I know that if I made someone something and they said they did not like it that they HATED it I would be unhappy.

Sometimes I am amazed God does not just burn me up right now... the ungrateful wretch that I am. 

This is about my sixth attempt at writing a new post..I was debating whether to share such thoughts or not.

I have decided to ....I confess my sins to God and to you my friends.
By Gods grace alone I hope I do better.

I.V. And Bad Stuff And What Is On My Mind

My good vein is finally back to normal, however it has been getting poked normally weekly for the past four years and this year twice a week and its getting used too much. I also have noticed that my legs and arms are rather puffy afterwards and it take two days for my weight to go back down to normal...when you do not even weigh 90 pounds you find the normal dose of stuff is too much. Also my seizures are not responding as much as they used too, they still are responding but not as much. One thing that's really getting me down is friends dying and ....I am just sad about it. Part of life is death because of the fall of man. How could Eve do such a thing????? Eve, did you not think? Adam you were not very bright either........I hate you both. The thing about all this that really is sickening is we ALL sin like Adam and Eve. I guess what I am trying to say is I HATE SIN ,I HATE DEATH!!! Some days I feel as though I have a thousand sorrows but the reality is I have millions of things to be happy about and I really ought to be full of hope and joy......I fail, I sin, I am human. Yes , I WANT TO SAY BAD WORDS!!! I need to seek peace though....there is a reason for everything and I believe it. Basically that is what is on my mind and I had to get it out.

Death and Resurrection, My Hope and Also About My Sadness

 Today, I found out a friend of mine had died. He said he would get better because he wanted to dance at my wedding ...someday. Well when you think about it as Christians we are the church and the church is the bride of Christ, we will probably be dancing at THE wedding . Resurrection...something to long for, something I dream about. I want to loose the leg brace and the helmet, I want to be able to walk properly and not have seizures. I don't know if we even will have to walk then, but I am sure I would not need a brace anymore .
 The thing about all of this is if I had not been sick I would of never met this friend. Everything has a reason...EVERYTHING.

Also today I found out Daddy's truck is done for, and Cleveland Clinic wants lots of money, I thought that it was taken care of.

Today at I.V. I did get to see Ralphie !! He made me smile and made time go faster.

I also felt well enough to go shopping for a bit , almost an hour and got a new dress and a pair of pants since my favorite ones are falling apart. I have had both favorite pairs for five years and one pair cost five dollars and the other three , so I guess that I go my dollars worth.
 Anyway today was hard. I cried before I left for I.V. and I cried when I came home because my Dad was so sad and I had to tell him about the death. And I want to cry now because I keep messing up my typing. Life goes one.....and I MUST trust in God because I could not deal with days like this without Him. That is that.