A Drawing of Elijah, Dream-like States, and Other Things

 Here is a drawing I did of Elijah at the alter when the fire of the Lord came down and consumed the sacrifice....
and the wood, stones, dust, and it licked up the water in the trench.
look in 1 Kings chapter 18.

 I was given some really pretty miniature roses so I drew this picture 

 Then I decided I wanted a really big picture...so thats what I did next.

   You are probably wondering what does this got to do with a dream-like state? Well....I had a Neurology appointment last week and I was told when my pupils are huge maybe I am stuck in a dream-like state ...sometimes people say my flowers are dreamy or trippy ...anyway I don't think I am in a dream....as far as I know I am awake, but if its a good dream then I think it would be alright..but I am pretty sure I am awake!

 Here is a big flower drawing I did earlier this year...and some bears . I really miss how easy the sewing machine used to be for me to use....I need to figure out a new one-handed way where there is something for me to lean on to hold myself up, so I can sit decently, but perhaps right now I am supposed to draw not sew?

I went to see the brace man today...I really like him, he is so kind.
I am not getting anything different...if you follow my blog you are probably wondering how come I am not getting a brace that goes up past my knee? Well...lots of reasons..I am worse ...probably could not get the thing on....
I am glad I can still get the brace I have on, it still helps.

Last week...Daddy bought me some sesame candy, I must say I find it the most marvelous, wonderfully tasty candy ever . It has been a favorite of mine since I first got one from a parade when I was 9 or 10 .

Also since this has to do with dreaming....when I was waiting in the car after church a person walked by and said " Whats up with Jess? Has she been sleeping." Well, I can see why a person would think I was sleeping in church if they sit behind me since I have to lean on some one to sit up...and if they get up I pretty much lay sideways ......I am not sleeping. I just felt like saying this in case you sit behind me and wonder.....
...I did sleep in church one time, but that was a long time ago...years, maybe over a decade ago.

 Of course IF I am stuck in a dream then ....... I must have dreams within dreams and ....I really don't know what to think about THAT thought.  He he.

Words,Truth,Nervousness.......

 Before you read this ....it has some really personal stuff, stuff I was not going to put on the internet but I feel like it is a very big part of my frustrations and ...you don't have to read this unless you want to.

 I have had a really bad cold for awhile...thankfully it is getting better.

Colds or any kind of sickness really drains me.

I had an appointment to see the Dystonia doctor this week and I was far more nervous than usual...sometimes I am not nervous at all , I just go see a doctor and don't really think much about it.

My parents and I left the day before and stayed with some friends because the appointment was the next morning and we live a ways away.  This was a very good thing...because I had a lot of laughs that evening and being with friends always helps.

Anyway...the appointment was o.k. , The Dr. wants me to have a genetic test to see if I have one of the two most common Dystonia genes....why?

Because this would mean if I had one of the genes I could have brain surgery.

If  I don't then he would just  treat  the symptoms ...botox, drugs, that sort of stuff...but botox cannot fix my back anyway. ( I am pretty crooked if you don't know)

Yes I got worse.  I get to stop the levadopa and try some other drug.

Drugs..Drugs...Drugs........I guess I could always "Just Say No!"

Well I am going to try the new drug...if it helps it would be good, I am just worried about the side effects.

Anyway....I have been having a ridiculous time keeping my weight on, yes it has pretty much always been a problem. 

Part of the Dr.s plan was encourage eating....I eat! I am so frustrated....I have even had doctors say they didn't believe me when I told them everything I ate the day before.  

The reason I was so nervous....some of the stuff in my records is not the truth and It bothers me very much.  

I have had a doctor say I was self- injurious after I had one of my seizure-like events and fell through a glass coffee table and had to get stitches....he said since my seizures were non- epileptic I did it on purpose.   I most certainly did not!   I am out when they happen...I don't plan them it just happens.

The Dystonia Dr. said the seizure -like things are something we don't understand....I don't understand it either. I am glad he said that and didn't just say I was crazy.

But that isn't the only thing that bothers me..... there is something from the University of Maryland that says I did chest binding! ........why do I even care? 

Well somethings about me are a bit different than many people my age...I don't have a period (but I have breasts...I am small but everything about me is.)...yes I even had a doctor say I made myself that way also!  I don't even know how a person could do that.

I did not make myself this way...God did.

I guess I was worried the Dr.would not give me a chance , that he would just say I was crazy and that would be that.

I always wanted to be a Mommy when I grew up....I guess that is why these things are especially painful to me.

Also.....I don't want to hurt myself...I just fall down and stuff happens.

I don't know why God allowed all this stuff...I just don't understand.

Truman Capote said something like he did not care what people said about him as long as it wasn't true.

Well....I am not him, I care and it is exceedingly upsetting to me.

The only way I calm myself down is I keep telling myself over and over that God knows what it true, God is stronger than man even if they have a white coat and God has a plan.

The truth is out there.
Frustrations...Frustrations.....