And It All Woked Out....

  So yesterday I go to go out with my sister Katie and my Mom and we went clothes shopping.

  There have been times I hated doing that. Pretty much ever since my sister and I had to shop in different sections.

 I hated that I was still so small, I really really did. When I was about the fattest I ever was I had some things from the older section but that didn't last. After getting sick I got smaller. I wasn't even that big , when I was in the older section it was pretty much the smallest of the small. I did not like this.( I wanted to be all gristle and strong and bigger)

Now I have a different view, if I was as big as I wanted to be my Daddy might have trouble carrying me. He probably couldn't take a walk in the woods and carry me because I cannot walk far myself.

I was explaining this to someone when they said something a bit nasty about my size and they replied my size was just because I was a generally unhealthy person.
I really did not respond at the time but I wish I could of told them again with more intensity that it all works out...It is not good at all I can't walk far but at least I am still small enough Daddy can carry me.

I really at times do wish I was bigger ....a lot of people wish they were smaller. What I do not understand is why is it o.k. when people say that size 0 is evil and it's beautiful to be curvy?   Size 0 for someone with my height and bone structure is curvy!  At my very biggest that is what I wore.

I think the thing is God made everyone different and we all have different struggles in life, we all have things we want to change about ourselves (or most of us), I don't think girls should criticize each other so much. When I was younger I wanted to make myself bigger, taller , make my hair blond ( someone told me my hair was the color of poop) and have bigger feet.

If everyone were like a Barbie doll and someone showed up with dark hair and freckles ...people would probably say that was the ideal.

Anyway as I get older I care less about appearance  and more about what I can't do and want to do and how exhausted I become so easily and also how much my knee and leg hurts.

 This works out also....How? Well, I feel like there are more times in my life now where God is just telling me " Be still and know that I am God".  I pray and think about God and sometimes read.

 Also it gives others the opportunity to help me which sometimes I struggle with. Sometimes I really need help and still try to do it all by myself ...and fail.
I have been amazed how much people love me even when I have not liked myself because I can't do something.

Another thing I found out was I hated how my illness separated me in some ways from some friends. The truth is that if someone won't be your friend just because you can't do certain things or because you walk funny....they NEVER were really your friend anyway.

True friends will still talk to you and be kind even though sometimes you cannot hear them and you cannot talk back , they never laugh at it.... they realize some things in life are not cool , they are beyond human control .

A true friend will sit with you and sometimes you both will be still and know God together. Sometimes that is all you can do.

So you see , it works out. At least how I see it.
And guess what? This is bringing on peace in my soul.