When I Really Feel Down...

 It seems like something amazing happens that cheers me up....
Recently things have been rather rough and on a very hard day I got this in the mail..

 It was a good reminder , something I needed to hear that day and also it was a wonderful reminder of how much this friend cares for me and prays for me.

I have been having a rough time getting myself  to get my work done....you may be wondering what work?

My Art for The People project, some of you know about it and some of you do not.
I make lots of  half page size drawings and give them to people ...mostly I hope it cheers them up.

When you go to see doctors as much as I do you will see sad people....not just at the doctors you see them everywhere.

Sometimes I am one of those people...but I don't want to be... I want to make a difference in the world I want to cheer them up like others have cheered me up.

I let my stack of drawings get rather low .

I feel like I was not doing my job.

So...maybe I can't make 15 a day ...some days I can't make any ...but some days I could of made 2 but I didn't .

I intend to do better...one could make a difference and if I am supposed to do it I better do it.

I pray for the people that get my drawings.  If it cheers some one up then I think I have done my job.

Jobs don't always make you money....sometimes you are just supposed to do something because God wants you to, and if you do it I believe you will have peace in you soul.

Love and Kindness Has Been Overflowing...

  I am very overwhelmed by all the kindness I have been shown the last few days and my birthday.

From the kind words to heart-felt messages on Facebook....cards , letters and amazing surprises I received in the mail.

One of the things I found was a handmade blanket with I love you embroidered in the corner , it came from a friend of  mine...I met her and her husband at a hotel in Florida about six years ago, they are from Montana. We have written ever since.

I wrapped it around me and it was like a hug.

I also received a gift from someone I have never met....I do not think they knew it was my birthday, It was something I wanted very much ...I had only just discovered them on the internet, I was and still am overwhelmed.

It was a doll , I shall treasure her forever.

And there were more surprises.

I received ...so much kindness.

I appreciate it all and thank all of you.

There has just been so much love surrounding me, I actually am not sure how to respond...
If I could I would compose a great symphony or some sort of marvelous dance.

God is love and He has showed me great love through my friends.

Amazing Love

 Lately I have been thinking about love.....
  

How God so loved the world that He sent His only Son to pay the price for our sins.

I have been thinking how love covers a multitude of sin and how in Proverbs 10:12 it says... hatred stirs up strife but love covers all sins. 

Also I have been think about how forgiveness works.

When someone wrongs you it is much like a wound, you can take care of it or you can pick at it and it gets infected and maybe even leads to dire consequences. But sometimes even when a wound is taken care of and heals it still leaves a scar....those scars serve as reminders of what happened and sometimes even old wounds still cause you pain.

 Forgiveness is something that takes work and time.

 Some people in my life have done things that really hurt me...but I love them a lot, I have prayed for them daily and somehow they can make a really big boo boo and I forgive them, but then there was a person in my life who I was not fond of and they said something that was not nice to me about my family and I still struggle with forgiving them, compared to the big boo boo... what this person said was not really that big of a thing so why do those words spoken so long ago sometimes still bother me?

I think I did not love this person enough. 

When I was praying for them I really should of been praying for myself also, I should of been praying for God to give me more love.

I had the wrong attitude.

 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God . He who does not love does not know God ,for God is love.
                                                                                            ~1John 4:7-8

Also I know I have done bad things too...and I am thankful others have forgiven me.

We all sin. 

Every Thought Captive..

 Every Thought Captive is a good read, I find myself challenged,encouraged, and it brings new thoughts to my mind.

It has been my habit for a few years to read it at breakfast , sort of like some people read the newspaper.

This November ....I was featured in an article by Laurence Windham  , if you click on it hopefully it will get big enough for you to read it.

Goodness is by Gods grace .

Find out more about Highlands Ministries and read more at this link:http://highlandsministriesonline.org/

Also if you want to check out a good blog go here:http://sppcpastor.blogspot.com/
 I believe you will find it worth your time.

The Sun Still Rises Every Morning And The Flowers Will Still Be Dancing

  I have had some not good days since I last wrote...some really bad seizures but then I had a couple of days with no seizures. ( That was amazing)

Got off of a drug I think made me hallucinate...Artaine , maybe it did help with the Dystonia  but I need to recognize my parents.....any doctor that would rather me be hallucinating is foolish, just plain foolish.

 I can not walk and have difficulty chewing but at least I know people.

I got see a lot of friends the weekend before last and was given ginormous amounts of love and even an accordion player came and played in my room.

With all that love and the sun rising every morning and my flowers lift their little flower faces doing their daily sun dance and rejoicing in their life and their Creator  ......I find my joy also.

At the end of their dance, when the sun sets the orchids nearly always face me and I feel like they are smiling.." That was simply wonderful"....they seem to say and I have to agree.

The night before Thanksgiving a very bad thing happened and it hurts very much...emotionally , something I feel like I should not go into detail about but it is something my family has had to deal with for years.

I do know that God is bigger than this....and I can cast my cares on Him in fact I have to because they are just too big for me right now, nothing is too big for God.

I am praying God will help me forgive...because I cannot.

I do not wish to become bitter , I do not want to be full of anger and hate.

I pray and pray...because I can do nothing else about this.

 Rejoicing, dancing orchids.

 More rose drawings

They face you when the sun sets.

Words,Truth,Nervousness.......

 Before you read this ....it has some really personal stuff, stuff I was not going to put on the internet but I feel like it is a very big part of my frustrations and ...you don't have to read this unless you want to.

 I have had a really bad cold for awhile...thankfully it is getting better.

Colds or any kind of sickness really drains me.

I had an appointment to see the Dystonia doctor this week and I was far more nervous than usual...sometimes I am not nervous at all , I just go see a doctor and don't really think much about it.

My parents and I left the day before and stayed with some friends because the appointment was the next morning and we live a ways away.  This was a very good thing...because I had a lot of laughs that evening and being with friends always helps.

Anyway...the appointment was o.k. , The Dr. wants me to have a genetic test to see if I have one of the two most common Dystonia genes....why?

Because this would mean if I had one of the genes I could have brain surgery.

If  I don't then he would just  treat  the symptoms ...botox, drugs, that sort of stuff...but botox cannot fix my back anyway. ( I am pretty crooked if you don't know)

Yes I got worse.  I get to stop the levadopa and try some other drug.

Drugs..Drugs...Drugs........I guess I could always "Just Say No!"

Well I am going to try the new drug...if it helps it would be good, I am just worried about the side effects.

Anyway....I have been having a ridiculous time keeping my weight on, yes it has pretty much always been a problem. 

Part of the Dr.s plan was encourage eating....I eat! I am so frustrated....I have even had doctors say they didn't believe me when I told them everything I ate the day before.  

The reason I was so nervous....some of the stuff in my records is not the truth and It bothers me very much.  

I have had a doctor say I was self- injurious after I had one of my seizure-like events and fell through a glass coffee table and had to get stitches....he said since my seizures were non- epileptic I did it on purpose.   I most certainly did not!   I am out when they happen...I don't plan them it just happens.

The Dystonia Dr. said the seizure -like things are something we don't understand....I don't understand it either. I am glad he said that and didn't just say I was crazy.

But that isn't the only thing that bothers me..... there is something from the University of Maryland that says I did chest binding! ........why do I even care? 

Well somethings about me are a bit different than many people my age...I don't have a period (but I have breasts...I am small but everything about me is.)...yes I even had a doctor say I made myself that way also!  I don't even know how a person could do that.

I did not make myself this way...God did.

I guess I was worried the Dr.would not give me a chance , that he would just say I was crazy and that would be that.

I always wanted to be a Mommy when I grew up....I guess that is why these things are especially painful to me.

Also.....I don't want to hurt myself...I just fall down and stuff happens.

I don't know why God allowed all this stuff...I just don't understand.

Truman Capote said something like he did not care what people said about him as long as it wasn't true.

Well....I am not him, I care and it is exceedingly upsetting to me.

The only way I calm myself down is I keep telling myself over and over that God knows what it true, God is stronger than man even if they have a white coat and God has a plan.

The truth is out there.
Frustrations...Frustrations.....

Holes In The Day

 Since last Tuesday things have been pretty rough.
     Lots of seizure like events  (distonic storms?)


Imagine you are talking with someone and all of a sudden you went forward into the future , maybe they quit talking to you maybe they are not even sitting by you anymore.

Now imagine this happening fifty times.....a big chunk of you day just went bye-bye.

Most people don't black out but I do...I have been told maybe I pinch something off in my neck.

So...the Ldopa was increased so has the nausea.

I did not think I could stand it if I went backwards....but I am not God and for some reason it happened.

Yesterday I went to the lake with family and friends. I still enjoyed the day , I just wish it wasn't full of holes.

Trusting is God is what I must do ....and pray.
I can do no other.....
So help me God.