Why Are You Crying In Your Drawing?

  I drew this last week....I was asked if God heals my heart and soul than why was I crying in the drawing?

I was crying because of my physical body...how it is.

Bodies fail you...they do things you cannot control, or maybe you want your body to do something and it won't.

Death comes.

I am thankful in what comes after.

I am thankful that one day I will have a new body.

Some of you are going to not like this post very much...your going to think I am giving up hope that I would be healed. A small group of you may even say amongst yourselves that I do not believe enough to be healed....some of you may even say this to my face.
 It has happened before....You can say what you want to.

I was in the ICU last weekend, not Easter weekend the one before...Bad seizure.

I later was asked what I would like for a funeral....

My Body was and probably still is somewhat... having a hard go of it.

I don't know when I am going to die but it happens to everyone.

I don't know why God let Adan and Eve choose to sin....But I sure glad He made a way to save me from it.

God sent his Son to die for us.....but he did not stay dead !

Sweet Hope.

 

A Year Ago Today...I Nearly Kicked The Bucket

  Yes, I was in the hospital and was having lots and lots of seizures. The doctor was a Butt and took me off of my normal med and gave me Keppra. Why? Because he said he didn't think Valproic acid was for young girls that they should be on Keppra. I was givin more and more ativan and got worse and worse. It was awful, I was hardly awake at all. 

The doctor wouldn't believe that the Cleavland Clinic said for me to say on Valproic Acid so my Mom had to drive home and get the records and show him, she also brought my medicine but I wasn't awake enough to take it.

She did eventually get me to take it and basically had to drag me out of the hospital. I was so weak I could not sit up in the car whenever she went around any turns.

 Also the hospital wanted me transported to Cleavland which is at least four hours away, but they also said they didn't want to to that because I was to seizurey and would need a doctor and some nurses to come.

Basically it was a mess, I was there for a few days but I was not supposed to die because here I am.

Deepest Fears

 I am not afraid of dying...I am afraid of how I might be made to live. What will I be like a year from now ..or two years from now?  I am afraid of my parents dying, who would want me? My grandparents could not deal with it, my grandma runs away when I have a seizure, I know because when I come back she is not there. People think I have no fears but I do. So it is what it is.

I.V. And Bad Stuff And What Is On My Mind

My good vein is finally back to normal, however it has been getting poked normally weekly for the past four years and this year twice a week and its getting used too much. I also have noticed that my legs and arms are rather puffy afterwards and it take two days for my weight to go back down to normal...when you do not even weigh 90 pounds you find the normal dose of stuff is too much. Also my seizures are not responding as much as they used too, they still are responding but not as much. One thing that's really getting me down is friends dying and ....I am just sad about it. Part of life is death because of the fall of man. How could Eve do such a thing????? Eve, did you not think? Adam you were not very bright either........I hate you both. The thing about all this that really is sickening is we ALL sin like Adam and Eve. I guess what I am trying to say is I HATE SIN ,I HATE DEATH!!! Some days I feel as though I have a thousand sorrows but the reality is I have millions of things to be happy about and I really ought to be full of hope and joy......I fail, I sin, I am human. Yes , I WANT TO SAY BAD WORDS!!! I need to seek peace though....there is a reason for everything and I believe it. Basically that is what is on my mind and I had to get it out.

Death and Resurrection, My Hope and Also About My Sadness

 Today, I found out a friend of mine had died. He said he would get better because he wanted to dance at my wedding ...someday. Well when you think about it as Christians we are the church and the church is the bride of Christ, we will probably be dancing at THE wedding . Resurrection...something to long for, something I dream about. I want to loose the leg brace and the helmet, I want to be able to walk properly and not have seizures. I don't know if we even will have to walk then, but I am sure I would not need a brace anymore .
 The thing about all of this is if I had not been sick I would of never met this friend. Everything has a reason...EVERYTHING.

Also today I found out Daddy's truck is done for, and Cleveland Clinic wants lots of money, I thought that it was taken care of.

Today at I.V. I did get to see Ralphie !! He made me smile and made time go faster.

I also felt well enough to go shopping for a bit , almost an hour and got a new dress and a pair of pants since my favorite ones are falling apart. I have had both favorite pairs for five years and one pair cost five dollars and the other three , so I guess that I go my dollars worth.
 Anyway today was hard. I cried before I left for I.V. and I cried when I came home because my Dad was so sad and I had to tell him about the death. And I want to cry now because I keep messing up my typing. Life goes one.....and I MUST trust in God because I could not deal with days like this without Him. That is that.