I Don't Want It....

I have been thinking too much lately....

About things I don't want that I have, and things that I cannot do and want to do.

As you probably guessed if you are a human....those thoughts have left me rather unhappy.

Mostly I have been not wanting my extra DNA.  Why??? Because I was told it was abnormal...that they didn't know what it would do or what effect it has.

Some people told me that it is silly to be upset about something like that because it probably does nothing.

Well why the heck would God make such a thing if it did NOTHING??

Some person said it made me their hero, they thought I was really cool like I came from X-men or something.

Now I think that is silly.( but I have to say the thought did make me smile)

Other people said that I should not wish the DNA gone because maybe it is what makes me so creative.

I don't know.

I do know though that God does not make mistakes...He does allow things to happen though.

I know I am going to be miserable if I don't put my trust in Him.

I know I am very bad for hating my body.

I really need to cut it out and trust God.

He made me how I am, He gave me this body.....I know that if I made someone something and they said they did not like it that they HATED it I would be unhappy.

Sometimes I am amazed God does not just burn me up right now... the ungrateful wretch that I am. 

This is about my sixth attempt at writing a new post..I was debating whether to share such thoughts or not.

I have decided to ....I confess my sins to God and to you my friends.
By Gods grace alone I hope I do better.

I Found Out......

I am going to be an Aunt!!!!

My sister is going to have a baby.

I am very happy.

What I Did Last Weekend, And Yesterday....

 Yesterday Daddy brought me to a jazz dinner at Dante's which was amazing...I have to say I really like jazz. I also got to see one of my friends!!

Last weekend I got to go to 2 baby showers!! I got to hold a baby, thus I am very happy.

I was not feeling very good last Sunday and the second one was supposed to happen that evening so I slept in the morning , yeah I missed church but I am friends with the momma ...I felt like I should go no matter what! So I did!

Something really amazing is I won one a prize at the first one and TWO prizes at the second one.  That does not happen much.

Here are some photos of what I made for the babies.

 Everything is recycled..except for the thread. Hey if you do not go shopping that often you get creative, at least I do.

 I used to feel odd giving people my families re-purposed stuff, but one of my friends said he really liked getting stuff from me because it is made out of trash and turned into brilliance.  I had to laugh.

 Also last night we got a very exciting phone call, but I can't tell you about it yet though I want to burst. I am so excited!!  I will tell you asap.

So Often This Happens.....

 I feel like God has forgotten me...as ridiculous as that is, and then I get a letter in the mail that lets me know I am loved and being prayed for.

The timing is rather amazing..It pretty much happens every time the thought crosses my mind.

I know that God will never forsake me, but as a human I think stupid thoughts sometimes.

If God takes care of earthworms...of course He will take care of me.

Duh.

The Dance Of The Orchids

  Very few people have watched the dance of the orchids in real time...I almost feel as though I have looked into a forbidden world that humans were never meant to see.

The dance is quite dramatic, it starts as the bud opens and then the flower twists and turns, they sway to and fro in a figure eight pattern.

These are not mere plants ..they are living creatures who seem to explode with joy when a sunbeam falls across its leaves.

They are not just my pets ...they are sort of, friends.

They sit on my window and dance..not just for me of course, I think they are dancing for God and rejoicing in sunlight and all of creation.

Yes I do watch other flowers dance too..I just find Orchids extraordinary.

What I NEED You To Understand.....

 I do not will my seizures into being, they happen even when I am asleep.

They hurt me , they make me fall.

I do not want them.

I feel betrayed by my own body.

If  my  subconsciousness  is doing this to me I hope it dies.

If you think I am doing this on purpose put yourself in my place...or at least try,
To loose control of your own body is one of the most frightening things that can happen to a person.

That is what I need you to understand.

Welcome To My Rose Garden.......

I apologize for the scanner glare on these. The editing tool mysteriously went bye bye and the scanner button was not working so I did it through the computer, the colors are brighter in real life.
 I hope you enjoyed my rose garden.

Withdraw.....

Withdraw is not a fun thing...In fact its rather scary.

Here is what it was/is like for me.

First I had so many events I could not sleep, so close together I was only there a minute at a time it really seemed.

You can guess how messy that is ....I will not say it here.

Your head pounds the entire time.

I got the shakes, and a wicked snake in my belly thrashing around and around ....I feel like he is biting my insides.

I drink hot tea to soothe him, but instead it made him madder...I guess I burnt him.

I want to sleep but ....something wakes me...pain.

I don't want to eat.

You would not either if you had a evil snake in your belly.

Oh, and those shakes those nasty, nasty shakes.

I hold my hand with my other one to try and make it stop but that did not work because the other one shook too. I sat on my hands....but that drove me nuts.

I think " stop, stop, stop, stop," ......but that did nothing.

But my hands slowed, the snake perished, I slept some, and mostly now my belly is only revolting.

It will be over soon.